


a delicate happiness, like sunlight filtering through trees.

by Anonymous



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Christmas, Denial, Depression, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 18:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13323783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: borrowing the title from the lyric of a song that nino covered once during mago mago - "towa ni tomo ni" by kobukuro. originally translates to 「細やかな幸せが木漏れ日のように」i also wrote this at 2am and my mind is addled and sad during that time. :(





	a delicate happiness, like sunlight filtering through trees.

**Author's Note:**

> borrowing the title from the lyric of a song that nino covered once during mago mago - "towa ni tomo ni" by kobukuro. originally translates to 「細やかな幸せが木漏れ日のように」
> 
> i also wrote this at 2am and my mind is addled and sad during that time. :(

_“Can we have dinner together?”_

Sho pictures Nino standing in front of him, scoffing and laughing, and wilts. The image sends a sickening swoop to both his heart and stomach. _No_ , he thinks stubbornly. Think of all the strangers and loved ones alike that have tried and failed using that line on Nino. He’s not even going to think of all the creative and cruel ways Nino has utilised to turn them down.

_“It’s Christmas.”_

_“So?”_

His highly unimpressed visual of Nino materialises before his eyes, complete with the crossed arms and impatiently tapping foot.

But it always boils down to this. What he truly desires.

_“It’s a given to spend the holiday with loved…”_

Sho stops himself, swearing. Honesty. His blaringly obvious honesty that always manages to make things awkward will surely be the death of him one day.

Keeping in line with Nino’s impossible character, he knows Nino would catch his slip-up.

 _“Don’t tell me…”_ An ill-disguised laugh. _“You_ love _me?”_

 _“I do,”_ a much more brave and thoughtless version of Sho would reply. And make sincere eye contact to punctuate his perfectly timed confession.

Sho growls and kicks uselessly. The fact that he’s even sitting here simulating this pathetic exchange of words like a cringeworthy drama scene forces Sho to start a hasty reality check. He’s thirty-five, less than a month away from adding another year on to that dreaded age. He’s at the business end of 2018. Things, admittedly, haven’t been great lately in any area of his life. He has a collection of seven bottles of sake and two bottles of shochu sitting in his fridge, and out of that, four are standing in front of him on the table. He’s been stuffing his face with gyoza and noodles for the past ninety minutes, and there’s no end in sight for this miserable behaviour that he claims is a normal coping mechanism.

 _“You know it’s not good for you, and yet…”_ Nino’s commentary resonates within his head. _“Denial. The detriment of human beings.”_

“Practice what you preach. Leave me alone,” Sho grumbles. For sure, he’s drunk now.

Has he got the courage yet? Sho glares at his phone, deliberating and gauging his capacity. Maybe.

Next thing he knows, his fingers are finding Nino’s contact. Good sign of a more careless nature. They’re sending a message for him. Okay, he guesses. That’s progress. Better than imagining conversations in your head and talking to yourself.

_Nino, can we have dinner together?  
                I just want to talk_

He watches in equal parts anticipation and confusion as two little ticks appear to his message and his stomach lurches, eyes quickly registering that he’s accidentally clicked on their group chat instead of their usual private chat.

“For fuck’s sake,” he mutters glumly as a message from Jun pops up.

_I thought I made it clear. If_ _anyone’s having dinner, it’ll be the five of us together. That’s our new rule._

Sho bravely ignores that, wondering if one of the other _read_ ticks included Nino.

 _Can I come too?_ Aiba wonders.

His heart falls and, in a mood, he throws his phone about a metre away and slouches all over his couch. Eating has made him sweaty and drowsy. Impulsive messaging has brought him back to the repeated realisation that it’s never a good idea. _Never._

The last thing he remembers is smiling with his hands sitting in his lap just above his crotch, noodle stains saturating his shirt, a half-full bottle of sake beside him, just _calling_ to him to be tipped over by one clumsy movement by his thigh.

 

“Sho-san. _Sho_. Oh… _Sho-chan_...”

Sho unconsciously leans into the touch sitting on his cheek, feeling like a puppy craving attention and indulging. He dips his lips into it without thinking, because it feels both familiar and warm. 

“I came for dinner, and this is how you…?”

Nino’s voice falters when Sho recognises every little thing about him all at once, opening his eyes and yanking Nino in for a haphazard hug.

“You came.”

“Why wouldn’t I have?” Nino pulls a face at Sho’s not-so-pleasant state. “You asked so nicely. And publicly,” he jokes. “Are you okay?”

“Never been better,” Sho lies, knowing Nino will see through it. Wants him to see through it.

Their hug is put on pause and Nino settles back in front of him, cross-legged, somehow aware that none of this was going to be about dinner at all. As if that was a code word between them that they both knew without having to say. Sho is glad. Even though he still wants to eat.

“You reek.” Nino is also honest. “What’s going on?”

Sho wonders if he missed anything before that that Nino might have said. The hug feels like it happened half an hour ago. He wonders what the time is. He wonders if there’s any of his soba noodles left over but he can’t remember how much he ate before he passed out. But the thing that’s at the forefront of his mind worms its way out first.

“I missed you.” He continues without thinking. “I love you. I don’t know why it’s taken me this…long…but I love you…”

For all Sho knows, he could just be talking to thin air again, another figment of his cruel mind. A slightly kinder version of the actual Nino, who already has so many aspects to his personality. This version could be taking pity on him. And also could have magically acquired a key to his apartment.

None of it’s plausible.

Which is why he goes on.

“I’ve been miserable lately, trying to think of ways to say it without… messing everything up,” he mumbles quickly, “there’s so much at stake. I…”

Another large window of time disappears in seconds. Next, Nino is peering at him rather worriedly, leaning into Sho’s space by placing his hands carefully on either side of his lap and caught in a sigh. Sho stares back at him, unflinching and unsmiling for once, wanting to cry.

“Don’t worry.”

“I try not to. But it’s… this happened…” Sho gestures down at himself, hoping Nino understands that all of this suppression is the reason why everything has become so much harder as of late. 

“Leader is the only one who has a key to your apartment. I don’t want to know how or why, but I got it from him,” Nino explains quietly in a rush. “Everyone’s been so worried about you lately…”

Sho swears this is a form of his subconscious speaking to him and letting him know that he’s been stuffing up. Did he not just confess to Nino? Why has that not been addressed?

“When you said dinner…” Nino’s eyes scrunch up, fingers finding the bridge of his nose, and he sighs. “I just knew something was wrong. You know I’m not a dinner person. Or a food person, really. I just wish you’d sent that to me anywhere other than there, because now you’ve got Jun all worked up. He’s not as daft as the other two – he picks up on these types of things easily.”

Moping to himself and reflecting over yet another mistake, Sho bows his head. Letting Nino know of his feelings in the middle of all this seems stupid now.

Nino’s voice is meek. His touch is tender. “I love you, too, Sho,” he says. “But you’re falling apart and it’s killing me.”

There’s silence, and Sho catches Nino on his phone.

“Merry Christmas,” he mumbles idly with a smile to Sho. “It’s 12:31.”

“Give me a chance,” Sho suddenly says. His eyes are dangerously watery. Nino stays staring fixedly at his phone. “I’ll fix myself next year. I’ll be better.” He feels a tear slip out without warning. “I _love_ you, Kazu. I always have…”

He’s not sure what he’s feeling or saying at this point. Maybe it’s just because it’s what he’s been wanting all night, but he thinks Nino kisses him. It’s not likely when he remembers what a state he’s in, but small things like that never bother Nino.

So, according to Sho’s version of things, they kiss. Nino undresses Sho slowly. “A mess,” Nino comments with a laugh, watching Sho’s uncharacteristically clumsy fingers tug at his jumper. They fumble but eventually allow him access to what he’s been craving. He settles in close to Nino’s heart, nuzzling closely with his eyes closed and drowning himself in the gradually rising heartbeat under the pale skin.

Sho has missed this happiness.

But the memory makes a quick return to the past, a mere ghost, and Sho becomes aware of that when he wakes up groggy and alone and afraid of what to believe anymore.

He has few more problems to add to his list.

 


End file.
